My Own Wacky Fellowship of the Ring

So on Friday I answered this fantasy question hosted by Gillian Adams.

It led to a very interesting discussion on how different The Lord of the Rings would be if I was the Ring-bearer and had traveled with my various chosen characters. Which led to some amusing results. I was so amused, in fact, that I decided to write the opening scene of what our gathering of the Fellowship would have been like in Rivendell. This is a fan fiction, meant only for amusement, and I do not claim any rights to the characters or references that the genius authors created.
 

Once upon a time, there was a young maiden, named Hannah, who was wandering through the woods one day, when she suddenly found a golden ring. There. Isn’t that a beautiful beginning? She’s not quite sure how the Ring came to be there (perhaps Bilbo accidentally dropped it on a walk), but she knew it at once for she had read all about it in a story called The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien.

But this is not the story of The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien. This is the story of what would have happened if Hannah found the Ring (and wasn’t susceptible to it) and if she got the most awesome Fellowship she could possibly imagine, outside of the original. So sit tight, dear reader. Things might get odd.

Well, as soon as she recognized what it was, she strung it on a necklace and raced off to Rivendell. Lord Elrond, who had been expecting someone else with the Ring, was quite surprised, but gracious nonetheless. He explained that they were preparing for a Meeting with representatives from different worlds, and perhaps Hannah would like to join? Yes, she certainly would. So while she waited, she explored Rivendell to her heart’s content.

            Finally, the day of the meeting arrived. With great ceremony, Lord Elrond explained that the Ring had to be destroyed.

            “I’ll do it,” Hannah declared, either because she was way too cocky or way too confident.

But whatever the reason, I suppose she looked quite sweet and innocent standing there, calmly announcing her intent to trek across Middle Earth into a fiery land of the villain’s abode fogged with poison and smoke.

            It must have been touching, or something like that, because it had quite the effect.

            Etanun and Akilun, Knights of Farthestshore, both gave each other solemn nods. “You will not have to bear this burden alone,” they told the maid kindly. “The Asha Lantern will light the way and Halsia will fell any monster that opposes us.”

            “Great!” Hannah said, delighted. And without a doubt, those two guys would have been enough to get her there and the mission accomplished. But dear reader, who ever said that this story was so easy?

            “Ha, trust the Murderer to go along,” said a golden voice in the bushes. “He probably wants the Ring for himself.” A fluffy, orange cat sprang onto the wall, and glared at Etanun, tail twitching.

            “Are you addressing me?” Etanun asked, perplexed. “I am a warrior, but I’ve never murdered anyone.”

            “Eanrin!” Hannah snapped. “Can’t you see Akilun’s still alive? You don’t look blind to me, at least not yet!”

            “Oh pardon, old girl,” the cat said yawning. “Different Times, apparently. Well, it doesn’t change my opinion of him.” The cat sprang down, and suddenly wasn’t a cat, but a tall, golden-haired man clad in scarlet. He flashed a devilish grin. “Someone must be sure you reach Mordor safely. Might as well be me.”

            “Excuse us,” said two other voices. “We also would like to offer our weapons to this cause.”

            Hannah turned and squealed in delight. “Legolas and Gimli!” She paused and looked again. “Oh, I mean, Nock and Mallik!”

            “Like there’s a difference,” Eanrin muttered.

            “I resent that!” Mallik grumbled, who wasn’t a dwarf and carried a hammer, not an axe.
 "Indeed!" Nock cried. "To begin with, I can ride a dragon."
"You're actually a better archer too," Hannah complimented. "Book-wise."

            “This is indeed a strange quest,” said another, and all turned to see Corlath, King of the Hillfolk, rise from his seat and stride forward, his white robes billowing, his sword tucked into his scarlet sash. “But I have both my Gift and sword to offer you. I would not see this power fall into the hands of darkness, for the Northerners could use it to devastating effect.”

            There were several loud protests at this, but Corlath silenced them with a swift stare. “I was speaking of the Northerners in MY world,” he said stiffly, and everyone had the good sense to be abashed.

            “Wow,” Hannah said, feeling a little dizzy. “This is amazing.”

            “And it’s only just begun,” yet another voice said cheerfully. “For we are coming too.”

            They all turned to see two figures striding up the steps. The one who had spoken was a young man, whose right hand was missing and had instead a hook.

            “Where have both of you been?” Lord Elrond said in irritation. “We had to start the meeting without you.”

            “Secret meetings, ah,” the young man with the hook replied. He shrugged. “I always find them so much amusing to attend when no one knows you’re there.” He cast the young man next to him an irritated glare. “It would have worked too, if I hadn’t ran into this fellow in the rafters.”

            “Yeah,” said the other young man, rubbing the back of his head. “Uncle told me I shouldn’t have brought the Blue Spirit mask along. Sorry it startled you.”

            “It didn’t startle me,” the man with the hook grumbled. “It scared the h-- out of me.”

            “Eugenides!” Hannah exclaimed. “There will be no swearing if you want in this Fellowship.”

            “Can I say, H E Double-hockey-sticks instead?”

            “Nope, not even that.”

            “Yeeg,” Eugenides muttered.

            “Fire Lord Zuko,” Lord Elrond said sternly. “What were you doing up in the rafters in the first place?”

            “Do I have to answer that?” Zuko asked.

            “Nope!” Hannah cried, springing to his side. “Because you get to be part of my Fellowship! We can go on a life-changing field trip together!”

            “What is it with girls and life-changing field trips?” Zuko muttered to himself. “No, I don’t even want to know. But I’ll come. If you’re going into the land of Mordor, you might want to know a thing or two about fire.”

            Sighing and shaking his head like he had a headache, Lord Elrond straightened. “Very well. Nine companions. You shall be called the Fellowship of the--”

            “Lights above us, do any of you have sense?” a woman’s voice cried. Striding up the stairs came a young woman in lavender and green, and her beautiful face was decidingly annoyed. She went right up to Hannah and took her hand. “This young girl cannot be expected to go off across the world without another woman to accompany her.”

            “Oo, good point,” Elrond said. He sighed again. “I suppose this means you want to go too, Lady Imraldera.”

            “Indeed I do,” Imraldera replied calmly. “I can help cook, heal, and fight if necessary.” She raised an eyebrow as the golden cat came to sit by her feet. “And someone has to keep Eanrin in line.”

            “Ten companions, though!” Lord Elrond said, looking very startled. “It simply isn’t done!”

            “My brother and I work as one, my lord,” Akilun told him, bowing. “We might be counted as one as well.”

            “Oh, have it your way,” Elrond groaned. “You shall be called the Fellowship of the Ring!”

            “Wonderful!” said Eugenides. “When shall I steal it?”

            Everyone looked at him blankly.

            “Uh, we already have it,” Hannah said.

            “How dull.” Eugenides sighed.

The End

So there you have it--a sample of my wild, wacky imagination when I start geeking out over certain characters so much they began appearing in my jokes (and dreams...that's always a sign I'm starting to go crazy). I hope I was able to represent the characters in a realistic (but amusing) way, and if any of the creators of the characters happen to see this, I hope they will be entertained.

The creation of these characters is entirely credited to the authors: Eanrin, Etanun, Akilun, and Imraldera (The Tales of Goldstone Wood series by Anne Elisabeth Stengl), Nock and Mallik (The Door Within Trilogy by Wayne Thomas Batson), Corlath (The Blue Sword by Robin McKinley), Eugenides (The Queen's Thief series by Megan Whalen Turner), and Zuko (Avatar: The Last Airbender). And yes, there was a line from The Princess Bride in the beginning of the story. ;)